Often when there is a turning point in my life, I don't realize it until months or years down the road. For example thinking back on how Kevin and I came to start dating, taking the LSAT on a whim which lead me to law school, or my choice to change career paths...all of which I didn't realize their significance until many many months later.
This was not one of those times. I realized immediately that this week was a huge turning point in my relationship with my daughter.
Normally I stray from controversial topics...but when it comes to how to feed your baby, I'm jumping in on this one. Why? Because I have strong feelings on the topic.
My feelings are....do what is best for you and your baby.
I've already shared that nursing was not easy for us. I called my sister bawling a lot those first 2 weeks. She was absolutely amazing. She knew exactly what to say and it was "you don't have to do this."
Being told I didn't have to made me ease up a little, but the struggle continued for 5 months. I remember during pregnancy thinking "5 months...that will just fly by!." Wrong. I may be the only one experiencing this...but those first 3 months absolutely CRAWLED. Every struggle I had with Lorelai would just repeat itself day after day, and I would simply tell myself "okay, just get through this day, tomorrow you can deal with when it comes." Not only would Lorelai refuse to be weaned from the shield (which my biggest regret in the hospital was not trying to get her to latch without one, because I feel that the lactation nurse simply handed those out too freely) but she never ate well nursing. Due to a low supply the first 2 days out of the hospital, multiple calls to the emergency doctor line on Christmas, and a frantic search for that formula sample I was sent in the mail when I was 6 months pregnant....Lorelai had her first bottle just a day or two out of the hospital. Once she had the glorious bottle, she never wanted to go back.
Over the past 5 months we've dealt with all sorts of issues around feeding. Everything from multiple nursing strikes, to Lorelai wanting to feed for hours on end, consistent low supply, MPSI diet, power pumps to increase supply, lactation tea, lactation supplements, oatmeal twice a day every day...pumping at work, pumping while driving, pumping while photographing weddings, waking up at night to pump....it was exhausting. Once again, I'm not unique here in my struggles...this is a pretty typical picture of a working mom and anyone else trying to breast feed their child.
Lorelai's last nursing strike was 10 days long, she came back for about a day (on Mother's day) and then went back to her strike. I told Kevin that day I was pretty sure this was the closure I needed (despite our struggles, the decision not to nurse was very emotional since it previously had brought her so much comfort. I kept saying "I just wish I had known that was the last time I would nurse her") and that I could tell her strike wasn't really over.
I'd never heard of a nursing strike before Lorelai...but when it happens to you, you start googling. For us, a nursing strike was when Lorelai got in the "nursing position" and she started screaming her head off like I was about to give her poison. Something that she used to love so much, had become a nightmare for her. We tried everything to bring her back around to nursing. I thought about if there was a traumatic event when she was nursing last, we tried lots of cuddles to get used to each other again, we tried warm baths, nursing when she was tired, making sure I wasn't doing anything to change my smell. I went that whole time pumping every time she wasn't wanting to nurse, and I already was feeling very "pumped out" after pumping at work, night classes, and weekend weddings. We went to the doctor to make sure she didn't have an ear infection or some other health issue, before deciding she simply liked the bottle. Our doctor explained she was too old for "nipple confusion" she simply had a bottle preference, but if I wanted to continue she may eventually come around.
That was it...she liked the bottle. Nursing was a comfort to her, but to her, food came from the bottle. So when she was hungry, she wanted the bottle since she didn't have to work as hard for milk that way.
You know how kids are a mix between their two parents? Well Lorelai forgot to take some stubbornness from Kevin, some from me, and leave the rest...she took it all. Kevin is stubborn, I'm probably more stubborn...but this girl is the champion.
About a week ago we decided I wasn't going to fight her anymore. I already was struggling with spending quality time with Lorelai, and I didn't want to spend the time I had with her making her upset (and me cry).
At first it didn't seem like much of a change since we made the decision on a Monday. The week went by as normal, where I pumped at work, went to class at night, and saw her in the middle. Instead of trying to nurse, we sat around playing or I gave her a bottle.
Then it was the weekend, and Lorelai and I got to spend so much quality time together. We spent time with family, played on the floor, went shopping, it was wonderful. A week later, I'm now pumping only about once per day. I'm off oatmeal, and it has been replaced with drinking my mint tea and using cabbage leaves (Kevin thinks that part is hilarious). I've never felt closer with my daughter.
It wasn't until a week out that I realized how many of my struggles with learning to cope with motherhood came from nursing. Trying to time going out to allow me a place to sit and nurse for 30-50 minutes (I mentioned she was a slow eater right?) in between running errands, work and school was getting to be a nightmare. When we went to visit family that lived an hour away, I had to make sure we timed it correctly, allowing me time to nurse right before getting in the car, or we would have a screaming child all the way there. I also felt she needed to nurse at least once per day, and that meant with night classes I would have to make sure Kevin held her off from eating so I could get home, feed her, and go to class until 10:00 p.m. One day at work I broke down in tears because I had to stay late and missed feeding her. I'd put so much pressure on me, that I was starting to feel like everyone needed something from me, including my daughter...so if I wasn't nursing her I didn't want to be around her because I knew I only had a short window before she needed me to sit down and nurse her again.
I wouldn't say I was depressed. But I certainly didn't realize how stressed I was making myself. The day we decided we weren't going to nurse anymore, I mentioned it to a fellow MBA classmate and mom of two and before I even got the words all the way out she said "Oh girl, you've got to let nursing go. You've got too much else going on. " She had been there too, and knew exactly what I was going through.
This is our journey of feeding Lorelai. I find it important to share, because if it weren't for the moms who came before me, supporting me in any decision we made regarding how Lorelai would be eating, I wouldn't be able to have the peace I have about it now. To the moms who nurse well past 1 year, you are wonderful. To the moms who never nurse their babies, you are amazing strong women who likely have to deal with social pressure and condemnation. I admire the decision and struggles the moms who come before me have made, and I appreciate all of you blazing the trail for the decisions Lorelai and I made this past week. To the new moms or women yet to become mothers, I hope you find wonderful friends and support, and remember that you and your baby have a unique journey together. Find your peace with the decisions you make.
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