#MomLife

There simply aren't enough mom bloggers out there who tell you the truth about what being a new mom is like. It is crazy hard, and those moms who are posting just the "good" are killing those of us who can't figure out why we can't be exactly like you. The ones who seemingly curl their hair every morning, wake up in time for yoga and enjoy a cup of coffee on the porch with a sleeping baby in your arms...and to those of you who post picture perfect dinners that you just whipped up while your child is napping, that have the exact right proportions of meats to veggies. Either you are a WAY better mom than me, or you're faking it....and I am pretty sure you are faking it. 

The seasoned mothers out there may be reading this post, quietly nodding your head thinking "Finally, she has learned..." because I truly thought once my daughter arrived I could have it all, do it all, and not even skip a beat. 

The first 3 months of my daughter's life was extremely tough on me. Not only did she have unexplainable colic, that brought us to buy an exercise ball to bounce her for each floor of our house (and haul that ball to Colorado because it was the only thing to stop her from crying practically every waking moment) and struggled with nursing between low supply, and MSPI diet. Not to mention my daughter being diagnosed with "lazy eater" from our doctor which simply meant she was the slowest eater imaginable...so slow that the end of a feeding was incredibly close to the beginning of the next, so I felt trapped and unable to leave the house. That being said, our experience isn't that far off from many first mom's experiences with baby. I wasn't unique in my suffering...I was just going through what most mom's deal with when they are blessed with a baby.

 There is a true extreme exhaustion that sets in with new motherhood, which coupled with everything else in your life that is changing...including hormones...that may make you break down and cry at little things.

The hardest part was this...I loved my life before Lorelai. That sums up a lot of what I was struggling with. I loved being busy, I loved traveling, I loved running errands for 3 hours after work without going home first, and I loved working 2 jobs and working on my masters. I loved going with Kevin to movies on $5 Tuesdays because we had nothing else planned that day, or picking up last minute show tickets that went on sale. I loved hoping in the car and driving to Chicago for the weekend. I was incredibly fulfilled with my life, I wanted a baby because I knew I wasn't getting any younger and the longer I waited the more difficult the adjustment would be. I didn't ask for a baby because I felt something in my life was missing.

I didn't want to slow down. Actually...I didn't want to WANT to slow down. There is a difference and I was struggling with that. Lorelai's arrival made me want to slow down, I loved this little girl and wanted to spend more time with her...and I didn't want to feel that. Before Lorelai I wanted to be able to keep up with this life I've loved so much, and be the mom who could do everything and balance her old life with her new one. I hated that I didn't want that anymore.

I went through a lot of what I'm calling "feminist career mom books" before having Lorelai. There were a lot of good ones, some bad ones, but mostly I just wanted to be educated on what I could do to prepare. Nothing could have prepared me for what I've been going through. But one book did say this:

There is no such thing as a mom who "Has it All"

Some books teach you how to be that mom that you think exists...that has it all, balances her work, kids and looks awesome doing it. But I particularly liked the ones that mentioned the reality of it...its simple, there is some give and take. You're taking a life you had and you're sharing it with another human being. You can't keep both things in their entirety. You're adding one HUGE thing (a baby may look small...but if you've ever been through labor, you know that baby is truly HUGE) into your life, and it will entirely disrupt everything you were doing before.

And that's okay, but I've been spending the last 4 months deciding what that looked like for me. It was okay for me to not want the same things I did before she was born, even though it felt like failure to me when I put her before something from my old life. It was a whole new level of prioritizing that I've never experienced. 

For example for Easter, cooking was just not going to happen so we bought rolls and drinks to the Easter meal, while everyone that enjoyed cooking did their thing. Why in the world would I kill myself trying to make time to cook or bake, when a trip to Walmart was something the collective group needed for part of their dinner? Other moms may enjoy cooking, but I hate it...and I didn't need to do something I hated just because I felt like I needed to in order to be the perfect career-mom. If my whole family didn't like to cook, then that would have been okay too. Go out to eat, or better yet, order pizza...no shame. 

Truth, when my in-laws visit we have been using a lot of paper plates. Should I be embarrassed? Well maybe since many of them say "happy birthday" or other such holiday phrases...but the lack of clean-up is allowing us to spend more time together. They know we are busy, and we love having them to visit. 

I don't do it all. I have a lot on my plate, from the photography business, to MBA classes, to taking on another adjunct teaching position, to my "normal" job, and my newfound love for this little squishy smiley human being...I juggle a lot, but often all the balls fall down. Before I accepted this new reality, I would have felt like I was failing by not doing everything I used to in my prior life.

My new #momlife means I'm going to have to let some things go, and I'm not going to try to do it all or be the mom who has it all. So please....

No one stop by our house to examine the piles of dust in the corners of the living room. 

Don't notice that our grass is growing far too long before we mow. 

Don't hear that there are times that the I only get to nurse my daughter is in the middle of the night because I've missed all her other feedings that day. 

Don't hear me tell Kevin that I may need to give up pumping because I am taking too much time away from my desk. 

Don't see that I've been pairing back the photography business to only taking on 25% of the clients we normally do. 

Don't see that I received a lower grade on my last MBA class because I chose holding my daughter over studying for my final. 

Don't learn that my parents are taking my daughter to see her great-grand parents because I haven't been able to take one day off to drive to see them. 

Don't know that Lorelai only laughs for Kevin. 

Don't learn that I still have not seen Lorelai roll over because I'm just not at the house enough. 

I am an extremely efficient multi-tasker, to my detriment. Saying no has always been practically impossible for me. But there is no way that I "have it all" and if you do, please tell me your secret because I believe there is no such thing out there.