My Nursing Experience-5 Weeks In

I get such a thrill from accomplishing goals. I don't know if you can be a goal-accomplishing addict...but if you could...that would be me. You can probably tell that when you look at how we handled getting out of our $100,000 of student loan debt...I like to see tangible results (like charting our progress)  I found out over the last few weeks that nursing has been one of the most fulfilling goals of motherhood for me. I realize that I get just as much excitement out of seeing my freezer stash of milk grow as I did watching our debt chart go down. 

I think this realization was the first moment it hit me...motherhood will really change me, and already has. I want to put a caveat in here that nursing did NOT come easy. I almost gave up a number of times, and one night did give up entirely because I was so burnt out and frustrated. I was eating lactation cookies by the handful, pumping after every feeding to try and get more supply, we were having to "trick" Lorelai by putting drops of formula on the shield I was using to get her to eat, I took lactation pills to try to increase my supply, and ate oatmeal and drank water like crazy. It wasn't until the 3-week mark of my daughter's life that I finally felt I was able to get things under control, at least a little. I say this to let other new moms or soon-to-be moms know that nursing was one of the hardest things about having a baby (And I did not take the pain of labor very well.... I learned for the first time that puking due to pain was a real thing, and had a very frank conversation with the nurses about what happens if I literally cannot do this anymore. I reached the point that I told them if I couldn't get the epidural that moment I was quitting...so that's saying a lot.) I will never push nursing on anyone, but will happily lend an ear to someone having a hard time or wanting to cry it out. I'm serious. If this is you, reach out to me and tell me how awful it is, I'll listen and agree. I'll give you the validation my sister gave me when I called bawling the night I just had to give up. She gave me the "you know what, society sucks and you feel like you're a failure because they all lie to you like it is easy, and that you have to do this...but its hard, and you're still an awesome mom if you don't" talk. I also had an awesome friend who checked in on my practically daily to see how nursing was going, which was such a great thing to have because she let me ask all the stupid questions, and share my accomplishments with her (like finally being off formula). If you are reading this friend, you know who you are...thank you from the bottom of my heart.  That being said, I honestly hope no one asks me my opinion as to whether or not they should continue to try nursing or go to formula, because I don't think I could tell someone going through the thick of it that it will get better...because that wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear at the time. It was a great decision for me to keep trying, but it's not for everyone. 

I wanted to breastfeed my daughter because I thought I needed to be one of those women that did it all, and wanted to prove to myself that I could. It wasn't until I realized that she doesn't care if I nurse, and that she absolutely loves when her Dad gives her a bottle that I was able to work out my issues. We now do a pretty good combination of nursing, as well as pumping and bottle-feeding since I like  to stay a little busy. When I go back to work in a couple weeks, she will be taking a bottle during the days, and she takes one now when I need a little extra sleep or am doing photoshoots or running errands. She's been out very little during feeding times and I've given her bottle only a few times in public, and even though I know that what I'm giving her is breast milk it's amazing the number of people that asked us if we are giving her formula. For those who did make the decision or had the decision made for them that their baby will eat formula, I hope you know you're doing the best for your baby, just as I am...and you're awesome.

In my experience, there was nothing "natural" or "innate" about nursing. It was awkward for a few weeks, you actually have to learn how to hold your baby properly while nursing, make sure she latches correctly, and oh my gosh...it hurts like crazy. To those teachers in my nursing class that told me "she isn't latching right if it's hurting"...you guys stink because I kept calling in the lactation consultants in the hospital, as well as seeing them after we left because it hurt...and that stupid class told me if it hurts, it's not right. Lies. I was so frustrated when every person I saw told me "oh she has a beautiful latch." I think much like the pain of labor, people forget how painful those first few weeks are for a first time mom. Also it is infuriating to not know how much food she is getting, because you are totally new to this and don't know any signs...or if you've got a kid like my daughter her first 3 weeks of life, falls asleep every 10 seconds, doesn't want to eat or wake up and never pulls away so you have no idea when she is done. My milk also came in late, and really wasn't enough for our little girl until she was 3 weeks old, so it turns out she wasn't eating enough and formula was exactly what we needed to be giving her so she had the nutrients to keep growing. This is all to say...nothing about nursing is like society tells you it is. Much like learning a normal person wakes up with drool marks on their pillow, hair a mess, some leftover mascara caked under their eyes and bad breath...not gorgeously silky hair and the ability to roll over and kiss their husband in the morning without him cowering from your terrible morning breath...the sooner you learn that nursing is hard...the happier you will be with yourself in this new life phase. 

So there you have it...I just wrote a post all about boobs. However, I learned that in a short 5 weeks a person can easily cross "boobs" off the list of inappropriate topics to talk with strangers about, as well as "poop"...because those first couple weeks of being a mom...poop is your life. 

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